


Norse Gods Make the Most Annoying Cock-Blockers

by invisiblechristmas



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-10 21:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/471112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisiblechristmas/pseuds/invisiblechristmas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about what happens when Loki decides to mess with Tony and Steve's love life.</p><p>A Tony/Steve story set immediately after The Avengers so spoilers and stuff if you haven't seen it, (Although if you haven't seen it then what are you even doing with your life GO AND WATCH IT. Honestly. Some people.) Also spoilers for Captain America, Iron Man 1 and 2 and Thor probably, you have been warned, you may proceed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Partying and late night boxing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story on here so reviews/changes that you think would make it better are as nice as Shwarma after defeating an army of Chitauri. Thank you! Also this is only the first chapter so stay tuned! :)

‘The Avengers seem to party better than they fight,’ Tony muttered to Pepper whilst watching Clint proceed to get up on a table and start dancing to single ladies. (Maybe he was being watched by Coulson, who was eyeing the master archer’s shaking booty with a hungry look on his face, maybe not.) He was soon followed by Thor who was tunelessly singing an Asgardian war cry. Tony could tell Pepper was itching to join the party so he turned to her and sighed, ‘Look, you can go get your groove on, I’ll find Cap to take care of me. He can’t get drunk so he’ll be able to make sure not a drop of alcohol passes my lips, OK?’ Pepper smiled and kissed him on the cheek,  
‘Thank you, Tony!’ She said before being pulled to the dance floor by an uncharacteristically giggly Natasha.  
Tony shook his head before going off to find Steve.  
After searching for a while it became apparent that Steve was not partying with the rest of them and Tony became determined to find out why.  
‘JARVIS, please locate Captain Rogers,’ He said eyeing up a glass of champagne.  
He was just reaching out his hand when JARVIS responded,  
‘Captain Rogers is in the training room, Sir.’  
Tony stopped reaching for the champagne glass and frowned. What the hell was Steve doing in there?  
As he got closer to the training room he heard thumps and started to walk faster, when he got there he could vaguely see Steve punching one of his damn punch bags although he hadn’t turned on the lights, making Tony even more curious. He could hear Steve muttering something under his breath,  
‘Couldn’t save Bucky…poor leader…give up…go home.’  
‘Hey!’ Tony shouted as he clapped his hands, causing the lights to turn on.  
Steve ignored the sudden flood of light and Tony’s voice. Now that was not acceptable. As he walked closer to Steve, Tony suddenly realised that he was still in his Captain America gear (Don’t stare at his ass don’t stare at his ass don’t stare at his ass, Tony thought desperately). At first Tony thought it was for some training thing but then he realised that the uniform was frayed and torn. Had- had he come straight from their fight to here?  
Now Tony was really concerned.  
‘HEY!’ He shouted louder, ‘Cap? Anyone home?’  
Finally Steve looked around, startled, then he saw Tony and he visibly slumped.  
‘Oh…hi.’ He mumbled.  
Tony was about to go into one of his why-the-hell-are-you-here-when-you-could-be-partying rants but then he saw Steve’s hands. They were bloody and raw. Looking around the room, Tony could see the remains of several punch bags scattered across the floor. Uh oh. This was not good. Steve was still standing there staring at the floor.  
‘Sorry about your punch bags. I’ll- I’ll get some more.’  
Tony had to suppress a smile, only Steve could worry about someone else’s property in the middle of what appeared to be a mental breakdown.  
‘Don’t worry about it Cap, I’m sure my budget can stretch to cover them. Now would you like to come upstairs and show the other Avengers that their leader knows how to party? I’m sure you could show us some swe-’  
He was interrupted by Steve saying quietly, ‘No.’  
‘Hey, it was just a joke!’ Tony replied, holding his hands up in surrender.  
‘I didn’t mean no for the party, I mean no in general. I quit.’  
Tony was shocked. This couldn’t be happening. ‘You- you can’t quit!’  
Steve looked up with a face that was almost feral, ‘Yes I can.’ He snarled.  
Tony tried not to think about how turned on he was right now and tried to focus on the problem in hand.  
‘But we need you.’ He had very very narrowly avoided saying ‘I need you’. He thought it might not be best to reveal the massively huge crush he had on Captain America whilst said Captain was currently questioning his place in life.  
‘No. No you don’t. I don’t deserve to be here, I’m just a jumped up kid from Brooklyn.’ Steve said, eyes fixed on the floor.  
‘But that’s- that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Did you or did you not just help save the earth from crazy aliens?’  
‘That’s not the point,’ Steve said, now looking directly at Tony. ‘I gave Natasha the command to close the portal. You could have still been in there. You could have d-.’ He paused and took a deep breath. ‘We could have lost you.’ He said simply.  
‘Are you joking?!?’ Tony immediately replied, ‘That is exactly why we need you! We know that you’re not afraid to make the tough decisions and that’s what we need right now. Hell if it had been me I probably would have kept the portal open too long and flooded New York with radiation or something.’  
Steve looked up, puppy dog eyes and everything. Damnit he was adorable.  
‘You mean that?’ He asked nervously.  
‘Hey if we thought you were useless, don’t you think somebody would have told you? Maybe someone whose missing an eye perhaps?’  
Steve grinned, the wounded look replaced with a more cheerfully familiar one, ‘I guess not,’ he said, ‘Thanks Tony.’  
‘Glad to be of service,’ Tony replied, relieved to see the old gleam back in the captain’s eye, ‘now bandage those hands up and let’s show Clint and Thor how to party 1940 style.’


	2. Burgers and Awkward Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Steve head out for some burgers and Tony asks some awkward questions.

A few weeks later they were eating lunch, just the two of them, at a diner, when Tony decided to come out with it.  
‘So Cap,’ he said, after swallowing a mouthful of burger, ‘are you a virgin or what?’  
Tony wished he could have had a camera. The look on Steve’s face was just amazing and Tony didn’t even know a person’s skin could go that shade of red.  
‘I…umm…well I ahem I…’ Steve stuttered.  
Tony grinned a wicked grin, ‘I’ll take that as a yes then.’  
Jesus Christ this man should enter a competition or something, if it was possible, he was an even darker shade of red than before. The blushing would be annoying if it wasn’t so freaking cute.  
‘So my next question is,’ he said, casually popping a fry into his mouth, ‘why the hell are you still a virgin? I mean I know the female population of New York would let you ravish them in an instant if you asked.’ (Especially in that deliciously tight uniform, he added in his head.)  
Steve was still looking very uncomfortable but Tony heard a slight, ‘Not really my type.’   
No way. NO FREAKING WAY. Tony could barely believe his luck and had to pretend his insides weren’t currently dancing the conga when he casually added, ‘Or the male population.’  
Steve’s splutter was as much of a confirmation as he needed and he leaned forward.  
‘I know one male in particular,’ he whispered, ‘who’d be happy to oblige.’  
Steve looked up to find Tony’s face much closer than it should be and Tony was gratified to see his eyes go wide as he realised what Tony was saying. The startled look was quickly placed by one of confusion however,  
‘Wait,’ he began slowly, ‘aren’t you and Miss Potts engaged?’  
Tony sat back,  
‘Ahaha, well that’s sort of complicated,’ he racked his brain trying to think of a way to make Steve understand, ‘have you ever heard of the term ‘beard’?’  
Steve frowned,  
‘You mean that ridiculous thing you have on your chin?’  
Tony harrumphed indignantly, ‘I’ll have you know that this is a goatee and a very sexy one at that.’  
Steve chuckled and held up his hands in mock surrender, ‘OK, I’m sorry, so what’s a beard then?’  
‘Its when a person of homosexual tendencies goes out with someone of the opposite sex to pretend to the world that they’re straight.’  
‘So Miss Potts is your ‘beard’? Steve asked  
‘Well yes, and I’m hers too actually.’ Tony replied, the wicked grin returning to his face.  
Steve looked confused and then he looked startled. Again. God he was cute. ‘Miss Potts is…?’ He asked, deliberately avoiding the word.  
‘Hah! Well duh, she makes Ellen look straight.’ Tony said, trying to ignore the fact that Steve obviously had some repression issues.   
Steve once again looked mystified and Tony explained,   
‘Ellen? Ellen Degeneres?’ Steve still appeared to be in the dark and Tony sighed, ‘we really need to show you more TV.’  
‘It appears that you do,’ Steve said, a small smile on his face.   
They sat there for a while, in companionable silence until Steve asked, ‘Why is Pepper your beard? I was under the impression that people’s reactions to your- I mean our sexuality are not as they were 70 years ago.’  
Tony could tell that Steve had probably been working himself up to ask that question and was impressed that he’d managed to get it out without blushing.  
‘Well it was drummed into me from an early age that it would not benefit Stark industries if my ahem preferences were revealed to the public.’ Tony was surprised he was telling this to Steve, he’d only ever said it to Pepper before.  
‘Wait, your father told you that?’ Steve asked, frowning.  
‘Well it wasn’t him, it was one of his lackeys. He never had much time for me.’ Tony said this last part quietly and it was his turn to be startled when he felt Steve’s hand on his.  
‘I’m sorry, Tony,’ Steve said, ‘But aren’t you your own man now? Don’t you decide what’s right for Stark industries? Besides since when has Tony Stark cared what other people think of him?’  
Tony felt an enormous rush of affection towards Steve and looking down and seeing their hands together, he decided that he would try and take this one slow. Which was why he was surprised when he saw Steve leaning forward, an almost hungry look on his face. Their faces were a hair’s breadth apart when suddenly the front of the diner exploded.  
Steve immediately jumped up and Tony tried to pretend that he wasn’t sad at the abrupt ending of their little hand holding adventure. Tony swivelled round, ready to see who had interrupted their almost kiss and gulped.  
Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked chapter 2! Reviews are as nice as being captured by terrorists and then making a super suit out of iron to kill them all :)


	3. Debriefing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki causes a bit of a bother.

‘Steve,’ Tony said, turning back around to face his almost boyfriend. What he saw stopped him in his tracks. Steve was fully kitted out in Captain America uniform. How the hell had that happened?  
And then Tony saw the pile of clothes on the floor. He nearly died of adorableness. Last week they had shown Steve the new Superman and Spiderman movies and Tony remembered making some joke to Steve about how he should wear his uniform under his clothes. And he totally had. Tony would have immediately dragged Steve away for a hot hot HOT make out session if it hadn’t been for the slight inconvenience of Loki.  
Startled out of his Steve daze, Tony whipped round to face said crazy Norse God.  
‘Not interrupting, am I?’ Loki drawled before slowly vanishing like the Cheshire Cat.  
‘What. The. Hell?’ Tony muttered as Steve immediately began to check for any civilian causalities. After a few minutes he came back to Tony. ‘Nobody’s hurt, thank god,’ he said, ‘we need to report this to Fury.’  
Tony was slightly disappointed that Steve didn’t want to continue with what had almost happened but realised the importance of the situation and headed back, picking his way through the debris in the diner.  
***   
‘So you’re saying he just appeared and didn’t hurt anyone?’ Fury asked, looking very doubtful.  
‘Look, I’ve told you what happened, check the CCTV from the diner if you don’t believe me.’ Tony said lazily, sprawled in one of the chairs in the de-briefing room.   
‘It’s true Director Fury,’ Steve added, ‘No-one was hurt in the explosion he created and he just said, ‘not interrupting am I?’ and melted away.’  
Nick Fury frowned, ‘That doesn’t sound like him at all. Have you heard anything from Thor?’ He addressed this last comment to Coulson, who was standing next to the Director.  
‘No, Sir, and Miss Foster says she hasn’t noticed any unusual readings coming from the Bifrost.’  
Tony looked around the de-briefing room, bored by their mundane conversation. He took in the tiny windows and metal walls before turning back to Fury and sighing.  
‘Isn’t it obvious, Nick?’ He said in a tone that he knew would piss off the Director. ‘Loki is the god of MISCHEIF. His powers have probably been limited in his prison or whatever they have in Asgard so he’s sending hallucinations to mess with us.’   
‘But,’ Steve began, ‘He looked very real, I mean if his powers are limited then surely the projection wouldn’t be that good?’  
‘It’s Loki. We can’t even begin to comprehend his powers. For all we know, the powers he displayed when we fought him were only a miniscule amount of his true nature.’   
There was silence as everyone contemplated that frightening prospect, well silence until Tony yawned and said, ‘Are we done now? I have to talk to Pepper about something.’ At the ‘something’ he winked at Steve who promptly turned, you guessed it, magenta.  
***  
Tony wandered up to Pepper’s office, musing on Loki’s sudden appearance. When he got there, he was sure that he could hear giggling coming from inside. This should be fun.  
He tapped on the door.  
‘J-just a minute!’ Pepper breathlessly replied and Tony was certain that he could here another voice in there. Probably Natasha. Pepper and Natasha were the worst kept secret at S.H.I.E.L.D, well second maybe to Clint and Coulson. Pepper appeared at the door, slightly red in the face.  
‘Oh, hi Tony!’ She said brightly as Tony peered round the door just in time to see Natasha in her underwear shriek and jump under the desk.  
‘Don’t worry, I won’t be long.’ He said, winking to Pepper who closed the study door firmly shut, ‘I just wanted to ask if we could call off our deal?’  
Pepper’s eyes widened, ‘Are you- are you asking what I think you’re asking?’ she asked, her eyes now full of hope.  
Tony got down on one knee. ‘Pepper Potts, would you do me the honour of not being engaged to me anymore?’  
Pepper’s mouth opened wide and Tony was sure he could hear Natasha’s muffled yell of joy from inside the study.  
‘But you said we should only stop pretending if we both fo-’ A look of realisation passed across her face, ‘You found someone?!’ she cried, flinging her arms around Tony.  
Tony smiled, ‘Why yes Miss Potts I think I have.’  
Pepper gave a little squeak of delight as she drew back, ‘Is it someone I know?’  
Tony nodded and suddenly looked down at his feet.  
‘Well?’ Pepper demanded, ‘who is it?’  
‘Its Steve.’ Tony mumbled.  
Pepper’s eyes narrowed. ‘Steve? As in Captain America Steve?’  
‘Yes.’ Tony replied in the quietest voice he could manage.  
‘Tony Stark, look at me.’ Pepper said, her voice now hard as she gazed fiercely into his eyes, ‘Don’t. Break. Him.’  
‘But I-’ Tony began  
‘Don’t. Break. Him. Understand?’   
‘Fine.’ Tony said, sounding like a child who’d just had his favourite toy taken away.  
‘Well now that that’s clear, go get your man Mr. Stark.’ It was Pepper’s turn to wink and having imparted these words of wisdom, slipped back into her study where the girlish laughter soon turned into something much more explicit.  
Grinning from ear to ear, Tony went to find Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and don't forget to review! I treasure reviews as much as Loki treasures his helmet.


	4. Skipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony goes to talk to Steve and something unexpected happens

Tony went skipping down the corridor. Now you have to understand that skipping is not A Tony Stark thing to do and this was why- as he proceeded joyfully to his room- Steve, who was standing outside Tony's room waiting for him, was so shocked at this sudden frivolity that he didn't move out of the way. Tony being in his own little Tony World was also oblivious to captain America standing there. One moment he was skipping, thinking unsavoury things about Steve and the next thing he knew he was on the floor, on top of said Steve.  
'Why hello there Mr. Rogers.' Tony breathed, their faces inches apart. Steve was, predictably, magenta. 'H-hi Tony' he stammered. They lay like that for a few heartbeats when Tony decided to grab the bull by the horns and just kiss him already. Their lips were less than a millimetre apart when there was a bang and Tony found himself flying backwards, his flight broken by a far wall. He dropped to the ground. 'Well that hurt.' he murmured to himself before lifting his head to try and find out what the hell had just happened. He looked up to find Steve shouting at someone but tony was quickly losing consciousness, his violent trip to the wall must have been worse than he thought. Just as everything was about to go black, the figure Steve was arguing with  turned around and winked at him. It was Loki.   
                       ***  
'Mr. Stark? Mr. Stark? Can you hear me?' Tony blearily opened his eyes to find a doctor peering over him. 'Aah good you're awake.' The doctor leaned back and Tony was able to take in his surroundings properly. Great. He was in the hospital- well not the hospital but the hospital wing of Stark Tower- how had he got here again? He struggled to think, he remembered talking to Pepper and then the skipping incident and then- 'LOKI.' Tony shouted sitting bolt upright. 'I was wondering when we'd get to that,' said a voice from beside him, Tony turned to find nick fury and agent Coulson standing by his bed. 'We've already debriefed the captain but we'd like to hear your side of the story.' Tony guessed that Steve had probably told the PG version of the story so he simply said, 'I was walking in the corridor, I bumped into steve and next thing I know I'm lying against a wall with a throbbing head and fading vision. I saw Steve shouting at someone and just before I passed out I realised it was Loki.' The mere telling of this story had already worn Tony out and he lay back down on his bed, closing his eyes and making a shooing motion with his hand to send Fury and Coulson away. He was gratified to hear their footsteps recede into the distance and proceeded to open one eye. 'Hey, hey doc' he whispered, opening both eyes when the doctor came over. 'any chance of a drink?' the doctor ruefully shook his head. 'Sorry I'm under strict orders from Miss Potts not to give you any alcoholic substance.' Tony groaned. Damn Pepper and her need to look after him. 'Well if you can't give me booze, can you at least tell me how long I'm going to be stuck here for?' The doctor consulted Tony's chart before answering, 'Well the blast that blew you backwards was magical and appears to have drained quite a lot of your energy and the blow to the head you received from the wall will take a few days to heal up, so I'd say you have to stay here for a week?' 'A WEEK?!?' Tony exclaimed, wincing at the loudness of his voice. This was like all the pain of a hangover without the bonus of the fun alcohol filled night before. 'Sorry Mr Stark but Fury wants you properly recovered before they try and track down Loki. You should rest now' after he said this, the doctor walked away to allow Tony to carry out his orders. Tony tried to sleep but one thought was running through his head. Steve. 'JARVIS please locate Captain Rogers.' but before JARVIS could respond, a meek voice called out, 'I'm here Tony.' Tony's eyes flew open to see Steve standing sheepishly at the end of his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos! Sorry it's been a while but I promise new chapter next week and remember, reviews are like seeing Thor in black skinny jeans. Hellz Yeah. (Also if anyone wants to follow me on Tumblr its http://invisiblechristmas.tumblr.com/)


	5. Pepper Dishes Out Some Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper drops a knowledge bomb on Tony.

‘Steve!’ Tony exclaimed, a massive grin spreading on his face as he struggled to sit up in his bed.

‘No, no, don’t get up for me!’ Steve said, his eyes anxious as he rushed to the side of Tony’s bed. They stood there looking at each other for a while, until the silence stopped becoming awkward and turned comfortable. Tony felt his eyes drooping and he lay back onto the bed and just before he slipped into sleep, he felt Steve’s hand in his.

***  
Pepper found them a few hours later, Steve dozing in a chair, Tony in his bed, their fingers fully intertwined. She suppressed a squeal of excitement and made her way over to the end of the bed.   
‘Tony,’ she whispered, very reluctant to wake the almost couple.  
Tony’s eyes flew open. Pepper smiled to herself, so someone else was also reluctant to break him and Steve’s hand holding adventure.  
‘Pepper!’ He whispered back, smiling his winning smile at her.   
‘Can we talk?’ She asked motioning for them to go outside.  
Tony looked at Steve for a beat, then very slowly removed his hand and swung himself into the wheelchair beside his bed.  
After he had wheeled himself into the corridor, he turned to Pepper.  
‘So, Pep, what’s this about?’  
‘Well, Fury wants to see you about Loki.’  
‘Again?’ Tony replied exasperatedly, ‘I’ve told him everything I know!’  
‘We know that, but Fury thinks you might be leaving out something. Is there anything Tony? Anything?’ With this Pepper looked pointedly towards the dozing Steve.   
‘Wait, what do you think that has to do with anything?’ Tony asked, looking quizzical.  
‘Oh come on Tony, you must have pieced it together.’ At Tony’s still mystified expression she elaborated. ‘Look I’ve been reviewing the security footage both from the restaurant and the corridor and in both instances you and Steve have been about to, well seal the deal, and then BAM, Loki pops up.’  
‘Hang on Pepper, you’re telling me a norse god has a personal vendetta against me trying to make out with my boyfriend?’ Having said this, Tony began to wheel himself back into the room.  
‘Tony, you know I’m telling the truth. Don’t look at me like that, I know you know.’ Pepper lowered her voice to a whisper again as they entered the room of the still sleeping Steve.   
As Tony was getting himself back into bed, Pepper said, ‘Look, just try and kiss him and see what happens. What the hell have you got to lose?’  
Settling back down, Tony sighed.   
‘OK, if it’ll make you happy I’ll kiss my boyfriend. Now leave me be.’   
***  
Steve awoke in a very uncomfortable position. He was still in the plastic chair by Tony’s bed and his neck was stiff. One altogether more pleasant aspect however was the fact that his hand was intertwined with Tony’s and Steve’s face was only inches away from Iron Man’s.   
‘Morning,’ said Tony before moving his face closer and closer until Steve could feel Tony's breath on his face and he could feel the ghost of Tony’s lips upon his. Steve closed his eyes in preparation but the promised kiss never came, instead Steve felt wind on his face. He opened his eyes to find himself on the roof of Stark Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know I said I'd be posting regularly but school started and stuff so I promise I'll try and be more consistent :) THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO LEFT KUDOS and leaving comments would be nicer than bringing Hawkeye out of mind control from Loki.


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